…except their QVC is called Christie’s.

Maybe we don’t all shop QVC, but we’ve all been taken by a deal that seemed to good to be true. But instead of a crappy $30 cubic zirconium ring that turns your finger green, this is a story about a rich guy who paid $156,000 too much for a bottle of wine. The Billionaire’s Vinegar by Benjamin Wallace ($24.95 Crown) is not just a great story about wine, it’s like a really, really great New Yorker article that goes on for 300 extra pages.

The scene: The year was 1985. The venerable Christie’s auction house (the epicenter for old, rare, drool-worthy wines in the world) had procured a most unusual bottle of 1787 Chateau Lafite Bordeaux. The grand sir of priceless vino himself and Christie’s auctioneer, Michael Broadbent oversaw the investigation into the authenticity of the bottle before bringing it to auction. Hardly given by a charlatan, the item was presented by a well-known collector by the name of Hardy Rodenstock (you can’t make names like that up) who had sourced many bottles of incredibly rare, highly desirable wines. Writer Wallace sets the scene in the book with tension and a dash of incredulity, detailing the auction that saw the allegedly priceless bottle sold for a record sum to Kip Forbes, son of billionaire publisher Malcom and hence the name of the book.

As if a 1787 Chateau Lafite up for auction wasn’t sexy enough, on this particular bottle a mysterious inscription (Th. J) was noted and attributed to Thomas Jefferson. Now maybe I’m just too poor for my own good, but that right there would have me shouting from the peanut gallery, “You crazy Mr. Forbes, don’t do it!” The world of rarified wines is truly as strange as any pastime that manifests into full-blown fetish, be it Star Trek, baseball cards, beanie babies, or expensive art. (Wanna bet? William Shatner’s kidney stone sold to a collector for $75,000. ) Like any market, forgeries are possible. Wallace examines the world of liquid auctions, and its components, much like you’d pick apart a fine wine. What unfolds is a fantastic tale much greater than the auction itself, like the introduction of a Bill Koch, another rich guy who would outspend Kip Forbes’ purchase trying to debunk Hardy Rodenstock’s find.

Benjamin Wallace’s writing style shows his magazine past, and since reading this book I have gathered everything I can from him. Wallace has a way with the declarative sentence that allows the reader to fully imagine the scene, without over sharing. Wallace doesn’t have to, because the characters of this true tale are so rich they need no embellishment; they are already the stuff of great fiction. Greater still that they all actually exist. Wallace also has a way of describing a character through action, as maybe only an also journalist can, that leaves the judgment up to you. He likes his characters, and he likes writing about them. I only wish (and I bet he does too) that they’d reunite for another ridiculous adventure. Oh…give it time.

Jonathan Kauffman went to visit Pietown and eat Frito Pie, so I get to (gulp) hold down the food review fort. The topic: the organized and potentially delightful frivolity that is afternoon tea.

A Tea Two-fer: Taking on the tradition of afternoon tea
in this issue of the Seattle Weekly

Yes…and no. So beware over-fancification of your martini basic and don’t get too cute.

Concerning the Olive
in this issue of the Seattle Weekly

Can’t blame a girl for trying.

OK, I don’t usually answer these things, but since it’s from Uncle Stan (Hieronomous of Appellation Beer), I’ll bite.

The premise: Share things about yourself that others may not know by picking four categories and providing four answers per category (the master list). I just took Stan’s categories, because you all probably know way too much about me already.

Four things I don’t care for
Children
Ice tea
white Burgundy
your problems

Four writers who changed journalism for me
Hunter S. Thompson
Tom Wolfe
Michael Jackson
Michael Broadbent
(I know, I’m such a cliche)

Four musicians I wish I’d seen
Leadbelly
Keith Moon
T. Rex
Layne Staley (a friend, so sad I never saw him sing live)

Four places I plan to visit in the next 15 months
NYC
Alto Adige
Buenos Aires
The bottom of a magnum of Camille Saves

Today was the Culinary Showcase of IACP. Like any trade show, you have your big ass sponsors whose money subsidizes the whole shebang and get to fete the attendees, thus solidifying their market share, and you get little gems like…

Gourmet Sardinia: These products make my heart race. Imported by chef Elfisio Farris who wrote the cookbook Sweet Myrtle & Bitter Honey, these various bottles and jars contain the pure joy that is Sardinia.

Bitter honey, or miele amaro, will change your life. There is nothing like a shortbread or polenta cookie topped with fresh whipped ricotta and drizzled with this stuff. Then there’s grated bottarga, flakes of dried mullet roe. Oh I know, I had you at mullet, right? It’s amazing added to simple pasta alla olio along with a little salty cheese. The flavor? It’s a little bit fish sauce, a little bit tobiko, a LOT delicious. THey should call it umami flake.

When you eat Sardinian, drink responsibly–Vermentino. It’s my go to summer wine, more fruit than your average Pinot Grigio, but stil dry, light, crisp like a good little Italian white should be. There’s also Cannonau (an island stowaway that tastes like Grenache on holiday), look for brands Argiolas and Sella & Mosca.

Above: The best thing that ever happened to bartenders. Perfect Puree is a wonderful crutch for creating a cocktail with true fruit flavor that’s not too sweet nor too fruity. My new favorite is tamarind–choice when aded by the teaspoon to a margarita. There’s also blood orange, cherry (WA! Bing!), and a pretty mean mango, the flavor that was responsible for over half of my bar customers when I worked for Wolfie’s (well, more Wolfie’s, er, colorful wife) Pan Asian foray back in the day. You can order from their website direct. I suggest divvying up one of their 30oz jars into an ice cube tray, so there’s no waste.

1 1/2 ounces Sauza tequila
3/4 red pepper Perfect Puree
a huge squeeze of lime
a few dashes tobasco

What’s it called? You know how I hate naming things…a Capsicum? Hey I calls ‘em likes I sees ‘em.

…and all I got was this lousy photo. To be fair, that popcorn was unbelievable. Salty, cheesy, and spicy. Perfect with the sweat and sour notes of an Abita Amber. To be balanced, the Sazeracs were fair to midland. A little too sweet from an uncaring hand on the Herbsaint.

I know the place dwells on Rue Bourbon, but that doesn’t mean they have to suspend football helmets from the ceiling, does it? And is NOLA a hockey town? I don’t think so. That’s OK, three months from now my romantic notion of the place and its history will have erased all traces of NHL and NFL. (see column here)
Le sigh.

I pity the sommelier who choses wine over fresh spring veggies. Stupid sommelier, wine can be drunk anytime, but these veggies? They’re only perfect once a year.

Banishing the Myth of the Wine-Killer
in this issue of the Seattle Weekly

I am taking 30% more baths lately because I’m feeling partially brined. I wanted to test olives for a piece about finding a better martini olive. I don’t know how it’s going to turn out, but so far it’s not going very well. And I am very, very thirsty. Now, I love olives. I can name more varieties than I should admit to, but these gorgeous Italian and Greek olives I thought would love to get in my drink? They really don’t like gin. So much for lofty ideas…

I’ve used Sicilian olive oil in many drink recipes over the years. So whether or not I find the perfect orb of salty goodness for my gin, I do know that a very green, kicky, 3-cough Sicilian olive oil can really liven up a glass of Prosecco. Drizzle the olive oil into the glass after the bubbly. I love doing this in spring and early summer, when the Farmers’ Market starts to come alive…fiddlehead ferns…asparagi…artichoke…shoots-n-sprouts, including the beloved Brussel…spring greens…sunchokes…

After a long, dank winter, your body needs all the spring greens you can shovel. This time of year half of what I eat is pasta or polenta piled high with the aforementioned. Simple butter, oil and shallot dressing, maybe some lemon zest or pepper flake if I get crazy. No recipe necessary, just takes the time to get off your lazy winter butt and hit the market. As soon as I finish my bath…

Sure, you could do a cafe crawl, or you could just….

Seattle’s Only Truly Pro-Choice Cafe
in this issue of the Seattle Weekly

Any place that is smart enough to have a Synesso and carry Borogove and Lighthouse just can’t suck.

First, start by asking yourself, what do you want from wine? Do you want a new hobby or are you just looking for Mr. Goodbottle of red?

My last gig as a wine director, in a specialty food store not a restaurant, we had any number of ways in which we completely overwhelmed people, whether the wall of olive oil or my little library of wine and beer. Choice is great, but choice can be daunting.

That’s why wine shops have tastings, so customers can try bottles that the wine buyers are excited about–free of charge and feelings of insecurity. This is where everyone should start to expand their wine horizons. Check your local wine shops online or sign up for their newsletters; every wine shop should have a free weekly tasting. Look for shops that feature a variety of different grapes and places at their tastings–the bigger the variety, the better for you. Since most wine tastings turn into social hour for regulars, don’t be intimidated if you don’t know anyone. Just stand near to the pourer if you’re feeling a little shy, and conversation will take care of itself.

See, all you have to do is make a weekly stop into your local shop and in no time they’ll know your face and your tastes. Bingo, you’ve got your own staff of personal sommeliers. And please don’t think you need to drop a wad of cash every time you go. Even your weekly two bottles of $10 red counts. Make sure you start USING the employees. “I really like this $10 Gruner Veltliner from the tasting the other week (and at least TWO ADJECTIVES why), what else should I try?”

Keep in mind that wine shop employees may get to TASTE many of the fancy bottles for sale in the shop, but very few can afford to BUY them. All we shop employees absolutely live for the grapey values that stick their heads up and out from the crowd. So use that fact to your advantage. If you make a habit of your local wine shop, you’ll barely have to learn anything about wine at all. Knowledge will just accumulate gradually as you gradually figure out what you like and don’t like, bottle from bottle, tasting to tasting.